Decimated!

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was obvious, wanted to be as far away from this stinker as he could get. He didn’t, it seemed, want to be soiled with whatever the Secretary of Defense (“secretary of war” in his own delusions of grandeur) had been rolling in.

It was obvious at the early Wednesday news conference, that only one of the two men at the front of the room possessed dignity, and it wasn’t Pete Hegseth. While the greased-back Hegseth was in full-on Joshua Fit de Battle of Jericho mode, wishing only that God had liked Joshua as much as he likes Donald Trump, Gen. Dan Caine wanted to leave the short event without having said anything he would spend the rest of his life regretting.

Caine knows he got the job for a stupid reason: Trump heard (he admits, even brags about) that the general had the nickname of “Raisin’ Caine,” and that was all it took. He would not have chosen, say, “Sugar Caine.” Trump cares about what scrolls on the screen when the credits roll. To Trump, who has decorated the White House to resemble a brothel, appearance is everything, with the décor matching the tastes of the typical professional wrestling fan.

Caine wants to finish his career able to hold his head high.

“[N]o other president has shown the courage and resolve of this commander in chief. President Trump forged this moment. Iran begged for this ceasefire, and we all know it,” said Hegseth, glad that unlike his days as the Saturday morning co-host of Fox and Friends on the Fox Trump and Betting Channel, people have to listen to him now. “As the President truth [sic] this morning, a big day for world peace. Iran wants it to happen. They've had enough. . . . Launchers, production facilities, and existing stockpiles depleted and decimated and almost completely ineffective.” There it was, “decimated,” and we’ll get back to it. “Our troops, our American warriors deserve the credit for this day, but God deserves all the glory.”

The Trump administration wants us to believe it has a direct line to God and that Trump serves as His spokesman. While blustering out a threat to wipe out the entire Iranian civilization on Monday, “God doesn’t like what’s happening,” said the president. “I don’t like what’s happening.”

On Easter morning, hours before making some poor guy stand in a bunny costume while he rattled on about what he intended to do to Iran if it doesn’t do what Trump wants, he wrote, not “He is risen” but “Open the f—king strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in hell.” (Trump, described during the 1980s by SPY Magazine as a “short-fingered vulgarian,” spelled the word out, no dashes.) He wrote that he would send Iran “back to the stone ages.”

After his content-deprived boasts, Hegseth asked Caine to speak.

“On February 28th,” Caine said after first memorializing the 13 soldiers killed in the conflict, “the president of the United States ordered the joint force to execute Operation Epic Fury with the direction to accomplish three distinct military objectives: destroy Iran's ballistic missile and drone capabilities, destroy the Iranian Navy, and destroy their defense industrial base to ensure that Iran cannot reconstitute the ability to project power outside their borders. Over the course of 38 days of major combat operation, the joint force achieved the military objectives as defined by the president.” Note that Caine made a point of pinning it all on Trump. The New York Times reports that Caine warned against the whole thing.

Caine cited statistics about the number of times the planes flew the number of bombs dropped, and so on. He was clearly, and rightfully, proud of the men under his command. Even affectionate toward his soldiers, if a bit mocking of his superiors: “Along the way, we consumed more than six million meals, and by my estimate, more than 950,000 gallons of coffee, two million energy drinks, and a lot of nicotine, but I'm not saying that we have a problem.”

The comments were in celebration of Trump’s declaration that he had won the war against Iran. It would begin, he announced Tuesday night, with a two-week ceasefire. The Strait of Hormuz, controlled by Iran, would at once be opened freely to shipping, chiefly of oil. But the U.S. was the only party to the conflict that stopped shooting, and the Strait of Hormuz did not open. Trump declared that there had been a “regime change” in Iran. On January 1, the president of Iran was Masoud Pezeshkian. Today, the president of Iran is Masoud Pezeshkian. There was no regime change. On Wednesday, Iran bombed the lone remaining Saudi Arabian pipeline capable of delivering oil. As is typical of him, Trump lied, then pretended the lie was true.

An Iranian consulate posted on TwitteX, “Hello. We are writing to you from the Stone Age and we control the Strait of Hormuz.” Iran, it appears, is letting only ships whose countries are friendly toward Iran to cross the strait, and then only after they paid a toll.

ABC’s Jonathan Karl reports that Trump told him Wednesday morning there might be something in it for Trump. “This morning, I asked President Trump if he’s okay with the Iranians charging a toll for all ships that go through the Strait of Hormuz, he told me there may be a Joint US-Iran venture to charge tolls:

‘We’re thinking of doing it as a joint venture. It’s a way of securing it — also securing it from lots of other people.

‘It’s a beautiful thing.’”

The Financial Times reported that Iran is demanding $1 per barrel of oil passing through the Strait of Hormuz, payable in cryptocurrency. Do not be surprised if the exchange is handled by Trump, Witkoff & Sons. In a post on his “Truth Social” bulletin board site, Trump said there is “big money” to be made. Iran is unquestionably a reprehensible regime. But there is no standard to which Trump is incapable of lowering himself, if there’s money for him involved.

Trump said that Iran had released a “10-point plan” for peace, which is a wish list of demands, but which Trump said the U.S. could work with. Those who lose a war do not make demands. Iran announced that it had won the war, and Iranians were celebrating in the streets.

Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and other Mideastern countries were hammered by Iran during the war. Neither they nor ally Israel was consulted for the “ceasefire,” in which the firing hasn’t ceased.

Iran has tentatively agreed to meet with representatives of the Trump and (Steve) Witkoff & Sons family business this weekend. J.D. Vance, vice president (of the U.S., but if you have been paying attention you might think he represents Russia) will possibly be in attendance.

At the news conference, Gen. Caine said that many Iranian military facilities had been “devastated.” Unlike Trump and his rabid puppy Hegseth, Caine is a bright and literate man. Trump, and therefore his lickspittles, fell in love with the word “decimated.” It means to destroy one-tenth of something. But Trump is not a literate man.

As Inigo Montoya put it in The Princess Bride, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Or, given the actual outcome rather than the blustering lies, maybe they do.