[CS-FSLUG] Perils of Helping

[Chris Brault]

Indeed,

> The point was so many people get all their
> gratification from whining, and have no interest at
> all in resolution of problems.
> 
> ------ quote begins ------
> The actual topics don't matter: what's
> going on is that these people are assuring each
> other of their mutual harmlessness.
> 
> Want to commit a real social faux pas? intervene
> with an offer to fix --
> the problems they're so concerned about will get
> downplayed and you'll find yourself gracefully edged

> out of the group: then they'll resume right where
you 
> interrupted.

It seems that the bulk of my social integration
problems come from this issue. I am a helper by
nature. I love helping people learn. 

Now it appears that problem "sharing" is a part of
social interaction and acceptance. Not having real
problems, these people simply "share" their
experiences in some vain attempt to appear "normal"
and "humble".

This explains why alot of people perceive me as
"arrogant" or a "know-it-all". This also explains why
I am treated like an expert and why when problems
arise, people turn to me. It's not that I know more
than other people, it's that: 

1) People don't want to be seen as a "helper". 

The position of "helper" entails alot of extra time
and effort. You end up becoming "help desk" or
"technical support" for a myriad of ungrateful people
(usually for free). And most people, being already
over-worked, simply don't want this added
responsibility. I can perfectly understand. You get no
return on the investment of your time and effort. You
receive no renumeration, neither money nor acceptance.
Rather, you receive the opposite: A drain on your
wallet, time and emotions, so why do it? No one wants
to do extra work for free.

2) People don't want to be stigmatized as "arrogant"
or a "know-it-all". 

Along with all the extra work helping others comes a
stigma that excludes you from "normal" social
interaction. No one wants to hang out with the guy who
won't share in their whining sessions. "He's okay at
work ... but I wouldn't want to hang out with him.
He's such a know-it-all."

3) On a related note, people don't want to be used.

Now that you are officially a human resource, you get
thanklessly used like any other piece of office
equiptment (a copier or scanner). As I stated before,
people are more than willing to "use" you for you
skills, but would never "hang out" with you. In other
words, people only interact with you when they want
something. This isn't a relationship; This is a leech
and you should be getting paid.

This type of "love/hate" relationship is how a high
school teacher interacts with students. On a social
level, the teacher is "mean" and "doesn't understand",
but on a professional lever, he's "smart" and "know's
everything". From personal experience, this type of
treatment, this social pressure, nudges me towards
"playing stupid". That way, I can attain normal levels
of human interaction with my co-workers without being
used nor being socially excluded.

What kind of world is this when humility requires
stupidity, normalcy involves apathy, and sympathy is
requested in place of advocacy? Where did these mixed
up values come from?

Personally, I believe it's a rich/poor thing, where no
one wants to be "the man" and everyone wants to be the
"downtrodden masses" in need of love and acceptance.
How sad what the social justice, political correctness
and equaltiy movements have done to us. We're a nation
of people pretending to be victims, socially, while
remaining kings professionally and in our personal
lives. It's like we're two people, each at odds with
the other. Once again, how sad.