[CS-FSLUG] Groaners

Fred A. Miller fmiller at lightlink.com
Fri Jun 11 10:35:46 CDT 2010

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in
the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the
pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for
it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the
king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes
no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family
were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league
records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know
for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly
responded, "Now, settle down. You'll have to learn to be a
little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed
a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds
ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake
them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was
arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate
lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of
Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since
they already made the cases for watches, they used them to
produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people
often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who
has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all
the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson
was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to
the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one
inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife
insisted on complaining to the local civic official who
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin,
one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a
hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two
each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus
skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South
American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo
who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a
sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in
the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
you don't need enemas."

"The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear
arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in
government." --- (Thomas Jefferson)

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