[CS-FSLUG] $5.37.

[Fred A. Miller]

$5.37.






 That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

  I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
 and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having
 already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back
 out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the
  Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to
 me.

 He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the
 senior citizen discount."

 I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the
 sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
 "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

 I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere
 child! Senior citizen?

 I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering
 what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the
 truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

 I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed
  back
  inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting
 with a smile.

 Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled
 it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

 What am I now?

 A toddler?

 "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys,
 eh?"

 I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

 I began to rationalize in my mind.

 "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

 It could happen to anyone!"
 I turned and headed back to the truck.

 I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't
  turn.

 What now?

 I checked my keys and tried another.

 Still nothing.

 That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my
 rearview mirror.

 I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

 Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in
 the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the
 floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
  on the dashboard.

 Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the
 alien vehicle.
 Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
 relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my
  life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my
 stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
 reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be
 found.

 I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode
  back into the restaurant one final time.

 There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
 All I could think was, "What is the world coming
 to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and
  drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy
 Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight
 home and apply for Social Security benefits.

 Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and
  suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get
 my attention. He was holding up a
  drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you
 left this in my truck by mistake."

 I took the food and drink from the little boy and
 sheepishly apologized.

 She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My
 grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

 All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a
 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And
 no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving
 this fast.

 As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down
 the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300
 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and
 covered up my legs with a blankey.

 The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

-- 
Yawning is from Satan (Volume 4, Book 54, Number 509) - The Prophet 
said, "Yawning is from Satan and if anyone of you yawns, he should 
check his yawning as much as possible, for if anyone of you (during 
the act of yawning) should say: 'Ha', Satan will laugh at him." -Q'uran

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