[CS-FSLUG] OT: CHURCH BLOOPERS.....

[Fred A. Miller]

CHURCH BLOOPERS.....

    Thank God for church ladies with word processors. These sentences actually  
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

        Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at 
Calvary   Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

        The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

        The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon 
tonight:  "Searching for Jesus.".

        Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of 
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

        The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a 
conflict.

        Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about 
you.

        Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

        Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

        For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs.

        Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the 
help they can get.

        Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more 
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of  
Pastor Frank's sermons.

        The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will 
sing:  "Break Forth Into Joy."

        Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the 
church. So  ends a friendship that began in their school days.

        A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
Music will follow.

        At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is 
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

        Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of 
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

        Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

        Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased 
person you want remembered.

        Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy 
lunch.

        The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment 
and gracious hostility.

        Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

        The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They 
may be  seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

        This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across 
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

        Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies 
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. is done.

        The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would 
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

        Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use 
the back door.

        The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the 
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this 
tragedy.

        Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. 
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

        The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign 
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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