[CS-FSLUG] Humor: Kids-Say-The-Darndest-Things Stories

[Fred A. Miller]

>From Katy Carlson: My 2-year-old son and I were driving by a cemetery that
 had a statue of Mary. "Who is that, Mom?" Thinking about his tender age, I
 replied simply "That's Jesus' mommy." He looked over at the statue with a
 thoughtful look on his face and a gleaming tear in his eye: "How come He
 turned her to stone?"

 From HNNHPRD: On the more serious side, I used to teach 4th & 5th graders.
 One day, the offering basket was being passed. As it came across one boy,
 he asked "Do we have a bigger basket?" When I asked what for, he
 exclaimed, "Because I don't fit in that one and I want to give Him
 myself."

 From Liisa Glandorf: When my son was 3 or 4, we passed the lot where the
 groundbreaking was to happen the following weekend for our new church
 building. I explained that all the church members were asked to bring
 their shovels so we'd better not forget ours. My son asked, "How long will
 it take to dig out the church?"

 From Craig Bottomley (Australia): Many years ago when my brother was only
 3 or 4 years old, our family would have a devotional time after dinner. my
 brother often asked if he could do the Bible reading, but being so young
 was told repeatedly that he couldn't because he wasn't able to read. One
 evening after being particularly persistent, our father suggested that he
 would whisper the reading to my brother and then he could repeat out loud
 for everyone else to hear. All went well until Dad got to the bit about
 "and Jesus went to Caeserea-Phillipi" (Mark 8:27), which my brother
 repeated as "and Jesus went to see her ear full of pie."

 From Lydia Brown: I work at a Nazarene day care; I teach the K-4 class and
 enjoy it immensely! The past couple of weeks I've been allowing the
 children to say their own prayers aloud to God and here are a couple that
 were extra special. Both are from a 5-year-old girl: The first prayer
 happened the day she got in trouble. Solemnly she bowed her head and said
 "Dear God, thank you for Jesus. Thank you for always being good. Thank you
 for never being bad 'cause if you was you'd get your name on the board and
 have to stand in Time Out at recess for 10 minutes. Amen." This week I can
 only imagine what happened to make her pray this blessing: "Dear God.
 Thank you for our clothes. You have to wear clothes inside, too, cause if
 you stand by the screen door that faces the barn and you ain't got clothes
 on and somebody walks by, they'll see you and laugh at you and you'll get
 embarrassed. Amen."

 From Marko: I was just playing Xbox with my kids, and Max (7) was being a
 bit annoying in a repetitive 7-year-old way. Liesl (11) said to him, in a
 very demeaning and "I've got it all figured out" voice: "Max, you are so
 annoying" (and "annoying" was almost three separate valley-girl words -
 a-noy-ing). I said: "Liesl, give him a break; he's just acting like a
 7-year-old." She responded: "Give ME a break, Dad; I'm just acting like an
 11-year-old."

 From L Helderman: Our four-year-old son asked us how old God is. I
 attempted to explain that God has always lived and will always live,
 forever and ever. He thought for a second and replied with "Oh, so He's
 about 30?"

 From Traci Burdette: My daughter, Sarah, and I were discussing heritage.
 When she didn't quite grasp the concept, I proceeded to explain that
 daddy's family was English, French and Cherokee and my family was English
 and German to which she replied, "Shepherd?"

 From Bill Henderson: It was the early 80's when the space shuttle was
 being sent up. My son's elementary school class went outside to watch the
 lift off. This was in West Palm Beach, Florida so it was very easy to see
 and quite a spectacle for us adults much less elementary children. When I
 returned home from work, my son was waiting for me. He told me that he and
 his classmates went outside and saw the space "shovel" that morning. My
 wife and I tactfully corrected him but it never took until several years
 later. He would probably disown me now if he knew I was telling this
 story.

 From Mike Enright (New Zealand): One day several years ago, Kelly, 3 years
 old at the time, was enthusiastically singing the "Teddy Bears' Picnic"
 song. She got to the line which says "If you go down to the woods today,
 you'd better go in disguise ..." Thinking that here was a good
 vocabulary-building opportunity, I asked her, "Kelly, do you know what
 'disguise' is?" She immediately responded, with a hint of that "what a
 dumb question" tone in her voice: "Yeah, it's where de planes fly."

 From Matt Terui: One night around the dinner table, my family was
 discussing a wedding. My little brother suddenly spoke up and asked
 something about a "bathtub marriage." We all looked at each other a little
 puzzled. A "bathtub marriage"? Then my translation skills kicked in. "Do
 you mean a 'wedding shower'?"

 From Michelle: When my brother was about 4 or 5 the family was watching
 the big football game on TV. My brother sat and listened to us encouraging
 our favourite team, Miami. All of a sudden my brother stood up, walked in
 front of the TV set, cried out with tears in his eyes, "It's not your ami,
 it's my ami, too!" Then he stomped out of the room.

 From Jason Tate: My son, who just turned 4, was very proud of himself for
 learning a Bible verse in his class at our church's recent VBS. One
 afternoon, our conversation went as follows:
 Me: "Chris, can you say your verse for me?"
 Chris: "Luke 19:10 - The Son of Man is come to seek and to save that which
 was lost."
 I told him how wonderful he was, and then I wanted to know if he knew what
 the verse meant, so -
 Me: "Who is the Son of Man?"
 Chris: "Jesus!"
 Me: "And who did He come to save?"
 Chris: "The witch."

 From Linda Eberly: I had recently attended a workshop on incorporating
 prayer into family life. It was suggested that when we need to discipline
 our children, we ask them, "What did I tell you to do?" and "Did you do
 it?" This teaches them confession. Then we were to impose whatever the
 discipline and then pray with the child to teach them to confess to God
 and ask for strength to do the right thing. I had sent Steve (about
 3-yrs-old) to clean his room (put all the toys away that were spread over
 the entire floor.) He would go in and then get distracted and start
 playing. After reminding him repeatedly I finally went in and thought I
 would try this new approach to discipline. We sat on his bed together and
 I asked, "What did Mommy tell you to do, Steve?"
 "Clean my room."
 "And did you do that?'
 "No"
 I told him what his punishment was. Then..."Let's pray and tell Jesus you
 are sorry and you ask Jesus to help you clean your room." So we prayed
 together. He got down off the bed and went straight to the middle of the
 toys. I thought, "Hey, this really works!" But he just sat there and did
 nothing. A little frustrated, I said, "Steve, what are you doing?" He
 turned to me and said with total conviction, "I'm waiting for Jesus to
 come and help me clean my room."

 From Lindy Revell: My daughter took my 4-year-old granddaughter to visit
 her mother-in-law whose mother had died. On the way she was telling my
 granddaughter how bad it made the lady feel and was coaxing her in things
 she could say to this lady. She said, "You can tell her you are sorry
 about her mother. Can you say that?" And my granddaughter replied, "Why? I
 didn't kill her!"

 From Steve Sanderson: A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers
 every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied. "And, do you always say them in
 the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't
 scared in the daytime."

 From Colin Gillam (Australia): Took my 4-year-old son shopping at the
 supermarket. Walking past the deli, he started asking about all the
 various meats on display.
 Son: "So chicken comes from chickens?"
 Me: "Yes"
 Son: "Where does ham come from?"
 Me: "Pigs"
 Son: "What about roast beef?"
 Me: "Cows"
 Son, now looking at the salamis: "I bet I know where salami comes from"
 Me, grabbing his hand and trying to get him out of earshot: "Tell me
 later"
 Son: "They come from giraffes!!"

 From Rob Watson (UK): My son Jotham when he was 3-years-old was playing
 out in the yard. When suddenly he came running into the house clutching a
 lifeless bug in his hands. He held it up to my wife and exclaimed, "Quick,
 Mummy, its batteries have run out!"

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