[CS-FSLUG] A fuzzy animal story.
Fred Miller
fmiller at lightlink.com
Sun Oct 10 13:41:17 CDT 2004
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time
to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I
really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his
hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady
little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the
chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have
sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As
I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this
was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some
damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to
snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left
of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed
home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK
SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the
force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing
impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and
extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with
him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only
having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one
result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans,
a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring
at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on
one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not
want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet
figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect
against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack
squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face
helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure
my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel,
however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I
was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to
drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans,
a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at
probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail
sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are
probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him
out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularl y sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a
quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather
glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder
roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade
directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel
to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud
of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned
to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about
me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol
car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back,
doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the
car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street,
aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in
the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous
squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car . but
it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on m y turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to
just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
--
"Running Windows on a Pentium is like getting a Porsche but only being
able to drive it in reverse with the handbrake on."
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